So.. Here I am.

The wonderful part of being ill, is that in recovery, it gives you an enlightened sense of being alive. It’s kind-of like pulling an all nighter when you feel shit, and you think tomorrow never comes. Then, at the first glimpse of the sun, everything’s ok again.
It reminds me of David Bowie in his Heathen years, talking about working in the daylight, and the kind of feelings that brings… I can certainly relate to it, and it’s something I wish to explore more.

Y’know, things aren’t all that scary right now. And maybe that won’t be the case tomorrow.. You never know what’s gonna happen.. But I notice there’s a certain hope and encouragement from the people who don’t take it all so seriously. I’ve felt put off and disgusted by the others, who, in one way or another, have shown their true colours…

But the fools, the dreamers.. They have always made me laugh, and cry, and filled me with bubbly feelings. It is their doing – often with such unselfconscious flare – that only comes with someone living true. They instil in me the simple fact that I can do it too.

Personalities are shrouded in artifice and mystery. Like my friend Ash says, “20% genius, 80% bullshit.”
I’d like to be a lighthouse. Or a friendly creature, doing its own thing, that you can always rely on for an experience. It’s something I was talking about with Gosia. I’ve always felt attracted to a little tinkering… I suppose in a live setting I connect more with someone like Aphex Twin than someone like ooh, I dunno… Kanye. And the musical tinkering, at least in my case, is less of a techy desire to take things apart, and more of a love for putting things together. It’s organic, it’s gradual.. It’s love.

the sandwich promoter

Dude came in saying he was doing “sandwich promotion”. I was stoked about his job from the way he described it. He made it sound like all he did was taste-test! I thought
“Wow. This guy gets to eat food for a living! He’s living it.”

Later, he came back carrying a tray of sandwiches, and was offering his dog-eared samples to people as they came by. Nobody took them. It was pretty awkward.

Sometimes you think people have it… They really don’t.


As she was leaving she told me,
“Thanks for letting me vent!”
Well, no problem. I could talk to you all day… This is one of my skills – listening. I wonder about all the people who want to be heard…

Billy Joel

In response to the question:

What advice do you have for younger musicians?

“Don’t be afraid of mistakes, because the only original thing we ever do is make mistakes. You can be taught how to do something perfectly right, but only you can screw it up in your own inimitable way.”

The power is within… Shedding darkness breathes new air, gives way to light. I see others – though i cannot judge them – grasping for inspiration from external sources.. Forever grasping for more. After all, medicine is such a quick solution. It takes not only courage but patience to explore the depths of what’s inside.

Of course, this is all a cover-up for my own insecurities while i’m commenting on those of others… How can another’s existence bother me when they don’t play a role in my life…?

Well, let’s break this down. Why do I care about what other people do?
I care because it affects me emotionally. I care because I sometimes worry about where humanity is headed.. (As if i could possibly know.)

I want people to think for themselves, which is a ridiculous concept because the individual is the only one who can use his or her brain. I am an individual, and since individuals will always be individuals it probably makes more sense that I reflect that. I’m coming from a place of aloneness and that can be quite fun, and sad, and all different emotions.

But the point is to share.. And share while it’s fresh.

I suppose what I’m getting at is there are two ways to live. Within and without.

Within is more passive… Something goes wrong, and you quietly, peacefully explore your options.. with an effort to make use of what you already have as much as possible. For instance, if a cable is too short and it doesn’t reach you, within could mean simply adjusting your setup so that it does reach you, and without would be getting a new longer cable.

Sometimes you really are without, and we should never settle for crap, but there’s an awful lot you can do to improve a situation, with just a little reboot.

I want to be less demanding of myself, and less demanding of others.

I struggle with the self/maintenance part. It really is just a little bit of work everyday.


the spirit of joy is in me.. and i feel it being pulled down and lifted up by all the different people i share a space with.

a beautiful little old lady came in wearing all colours. i helped her with the meal deal, then as we were walking, a woman slightly younger than her came to us in a frenzy and threw all her things on a nearby shelf, saying she couldn’t wait any longer before rushing out.

we felt so safe in each other’s presence, we weren’t phased at all by her outburst.

Photo on 16-07-2017 at 22.32


asking for answers

i’m trying my best not to be _____, rather than allowing myself to be ______. completely futile. how silly then, how the real appears negative to the stone, and to the flower, the “positive” = negative.

you can only feel as much as you’re able to feel. if you’re working out of a stone heart, i suppose the sound of any singing will please you.

i asked a man about fake people… how to deal with that. he said something to the effect of:

“you’ll always have people like that. i work with them too. but you’ve got to know that better days are gonna come. it doesn’t matter if they’re interested in you, or if they’re not interested in you. what matters is that you are true to yourself. you must not allow others to affect your mood. because you will meet people who like you, and you’ll click. go for opportunities, love yourself, be true to yourself, and know that better days are gonna come.”

this phrase, “love yourself” has never really clicked with me.. but he’s right. the essential problem is that i am very easily affected by others.. at least when it comes to corresponding with them. i think i will always be very emotional… i don’t want to be cold.. i’m a warm person and i believe it’s good to be vulnerable. it feels very natural to me.. and i am deeply for all the heartfelt feelings it’s given me.

still, it’d be nice to not feel like someone can get in my insides.